This is one siko
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Dare to date me
Country of Origin: South Africa
Current Location: Kraal, Gauteng, South Africa
Gender: Male
Age: 31
Star Sign: Caltex
Height: 161cm (5' 3.4")
Body Type: Hung like a mule
Looks: Very Attractive
Hair Colour: Black and curly
Eye Colour: Black like a starless night
Ethnicity: Ama Black
Home Language: E-Xhosa
Other Languages: E-Ama Xhosa
Religion: ANC VIA
Marital Status: 10 Wives...no teeth
Relationship Types: Anything with a hole; Open to possibilities; Short-term; Long-term; Marriage again
Have Children: 53
Want Children: Yes
Eating Habits: Eats the Brisket meat, pap samp and beans
Smoking Habits: Occasional Daggar
Drinking Habits: Milk stout and sea water
Education: Hey?
Occupation: Hey?
Income: Hey?
Thursday, April 2, 2009
VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of breasts in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married my 'Miss Right'.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% ...
it's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men ..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
SOUTH AFRICAN LINGO EXPLAINED TO A FOREIGNER
"Excuse me?" or "pardon?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can say: "Hey?"
If you want to use it at the end of a sentence, you can say something like "Ag donner, this mieliepap is very hot, Hey"
Is it?:This is a great word in conversations. Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute If someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for Capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership." It is appropriate to respond by saying: "Is it?"
Jawelnofine: This is another conversation fallback word. Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" (q.v.) and "fine", it means roughly "how about that." If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "Jawelnofine."
Jislaaik:Pronounced "Yiss-like", it is an expression of astonishment. For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China, a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of people Hey!."
Klap:Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning thump smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad. In America, that is called child abuse. In South Africa, it is called promoting education. It's what you do to the guy who gave you the hot mieliepap.
Lekker:An Afrikaans word meaning 'nice', this word is used by all language groups to express approval. If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable. You might, however, get a klap.
Tackies:These are sneakers or running/tennis shoes. The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres. "Fat tackies" are big tyres, as in: "Where 
Dop:This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad.
First the good.
A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin. If you are invited over for a dop, be careful. It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with. When you get invited to a braai, you will inevitably be asked to bring your own dop.
Now the bad: To dop is to fail. If you dopped Standard Two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.
Sarmie:This is a sandwich. For generations, school-children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks. If you are sending kids off to school in the morning, don't give them liver-polony sarmies. They are the toughest to trade. Definitely not lekker.
Bakkie:This word is pronounced "bucky" and it is a small truck or pick-up. Young men can take their "cherrie" (g/friend) to the drive-in flick in a bakkie, but it is not always an appropriate form of transport because the seats usually don't recline and you may be forced to watch the film. This is never the purpose of going to a Drive-In flick.
Howzit:This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the land. It is often used with the word "No" as in this exchange: "No, howzit?" "No, fine." 
"Mrs Balls" Chutney: We don't know if the lady ever existed, but if she did, ( NOTE: YES SHE DID FACT:...)
She has earned a place of honour in South African kitchen history. Chutney is, of course, of Indian origin and is pickled fruit prepared with vinegar, spices and sugar. South Africans are known to eat it with everything, including fried eggs. Some even put it on their mieliepap.
"Now Now":In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase:
"Now, now, don't cry-I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow." But in South Africa, this phrase means a little sooner than soon: "Ill clean my room now now, Ma." It is a little more urgent than "just now" which means an indefinite time in the future.
"Tune me grief:" To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. Be selective about using the term. For example, if your bank manager calls you in for an urgent chat about your overdraft, you should avoid saying: "Hey, listen. You're tuning me grief, man." That would be unwise and could result in 'major tuning of grief'. There are variations. You can say about your boss: "This oke (guy) is tuning me uphill."
Boet:This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups. Pronounced "boot" as in "foot", it can be applied to a non-brother. For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used. But don't use either with someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronising and you'll probably get 'donnered', hey.
Pasop:From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is used and heeded by all language groups. As in: "Your mother hasn't had her morning coffee yet Boet, so pasop and stay out of her way." Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation. Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.
Skop, Skiet en Donder: Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in Afrikaans,this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.
Vrot : Pronounced - "frot": A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like. Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often with unwashed feet can be termed 'Vrot' by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer.
Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it.
Pasop:
We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot." However, it is mostly used to describe the state of the drunk boets at the braai who finished all their dop.
Graze:In a country with a strong agricultural tradition, it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation. Thus to graze means to eat. If you are invited to a Bioscope show, you may be asked: "Do you want to catch a graze now now?.
Catch a tan:This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study for your matric exams. The Brits, who have their own very odd phrases, say they are getting "bronzed". Nature has always been unkind to South African schoolchildren, providing beach and swimming pool weather just when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals. If you spend too much time catching a tan at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.
Rock up:To rock up some place is to just sort of arrive. You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it. You can't just rock up for a job interview or at a five-star restaurant. You give them a tinkle first - then you can rock up. You can, however, rock up at a braai providing you've brought your own dop.
Scale:To scale something is to steal it. A person who is "scaly" is not nice, ie a scumbag, and should be left off the Christmas party invitation list. If he does rock up, don't give him any pap, donner him, boet, and scale all his dop, hey!.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Fannie Green
A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.' The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.' This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies. 'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?' The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.
Friday, March 13, 2009
DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. 
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000
house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Old man's Erection
An old man goes to a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. He says to the pharmacist, "can you cut it up in quarters?"
"Sure, I can cut it up for you", says the pharmacist, "but it'll only give you a quarter erection" .
"Listen hear bud", says the old man, "I'm 96 and I definitely don't want an erection. All I want, is that this little critter stick's out far enough so that I don't piss on my fucking slippers, ok?!!", .
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Economic Crisis- the other side of the coin
I must say, after reading this, he does make sense. This is not humour, but interesting reading......
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job; however, is the changing political landscape in this country.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Subaru Outback outside. You’ve see
However, what you don’t see is the back story.
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 2
bedroom flat for 3 years. My entire living area was converted into an
office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which
by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of baked beans, stew and soup because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a wonky transmission. I didn’t have time to go out with women. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business—hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50,000 a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting David Jones for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the discount stores extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no “off” button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden—the nice house, the Subaru, the vacations... you never realise the back story and the sacrifices I’ve made.
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy who made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn’t. The people that overspent their pay suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and not without wounds.
Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough.
I have State taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.
Payroll taxes. Workers compensation. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire an accountant to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a cheque to the Australian tax Office for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my “stimulus” cheque was? Zero. Zip. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare cheque? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.
The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your pay you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don’t understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had the government suddenly mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Canberra black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of Australia and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. But the power brokers in Canberra believe the poor of Australia are the essential drivers of the Australian economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this?
It’s quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your 4WD and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalises the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
So, if you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of politicians who swept through this country and changed its financial landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
Signed,
Your boss
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Dick Pay Rise
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour
- I work at great depths
- I work head first
- I do not get RDO’s, weekends off or public holidays
- I work in a damp environment
- I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties
- I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
- I work in high temperatures
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from the administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight
- You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
- You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
- You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
- You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
- You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
- You don’t like working double shifts
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
- And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
MEXICAN WORDS OF THE DAY
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read
so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Lifesaver
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders
using a bowl of lifesavers
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none
of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh
my gosh!! They're ass-holes'
Thursday, February 26, 2009
One for the girls
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? 
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Bob says as he stepped out of the
shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the
lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
DECODING DICTIONARY
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish............................49.
Adventurous..................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..........................No breasts.
Average looking............Moooo.
Beautiful........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.......On medication.
Feminist........................Fat.
Free Spirit....................Junkie.
Friendship first.............Former sl*t.
New-Age......................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned..............No B.J.'s.
Open-minded...............Desperate.
Outgoing......................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.................b*tch.
Voluptuous......... ........Very fat.
Large frame.................Hugely fat.
-----------
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes...................................No.
No....................................Yes.
Maybe..............................No
We need..........................I want.
We need to talk...............You're in trouble.
Sure, go ahead...............You better not.
Do what you want...........You will pay for this later.
I am not upset...................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.....Is sex all you ever think about?
---------
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry.....................I am hungry.
I am sleepy......................I am sleepy.
I am tired.........................I am tired.
Nice dress.......................Nice cleavage!
I love you........................Let's have sex now.
I am bored.......................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?..........I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to a movie?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay
Dealing With Women
Men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women for thousands
of years, Finally, this guide helps you understand just how it works.
Always remember, to make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you
get points. Do something she dislikes and you lose points. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Hey, it's her game, you might as
well learn how to play.
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed............................................... .+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....................-2
You leave the toilet seat up....................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..............+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.............-2
You go out to buy her extra -light panty liners with wings......+5
in the rain.............................................. .......+8
but return with beer............................................-1
and no pads.............................................. .......-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..............nada
You check out a supicious noise and it is something............+5
You pummel it with a six iron...................................+10
It's her cat............................................... .....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...........................nada
You stay by her side for a while, then leave
with a drinking buddy...........................................-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ........-20
Tiffany is a dancer............................................ .-50
With breast implants.......................................... ..-100
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................................+1
You buy a card and flowers......................................+2
You take her out to dinner......................................+5
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar............+6
Okay, it is a sports bar........................................-20
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................-30
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.....................-40
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............................................... ....nada
The pal is happily married......................................+1
The pal is single............................................ ...-10
He drives a Ferrari........................................... ..-20
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....................-30
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+5
You take her to a movie you hate................................+8
You take her to a movie you like................................-5
It's called Death Cop III.......................................-10
it features Cyborgs that eat humans.............................-15
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-20
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly..............................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-1000
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................................-10
You reply, "Where?".......................................... ...-35
You reply, "No, honey, I think
it's your butt"............................................. ...Game_Over
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sperm Count
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an 
“What happened?” says the doctor.
“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing.”
The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”
“Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Granny's Dildo
The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you’ll remember this … and giggle.
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.
Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks
the sales clerk: ”Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: ”Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.”
The old woman then asks:
“Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong
aaandd aabbouttt twoo inchesss ththiickk … aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?”
The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”
She asks: “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssunoooffabbitch oooofffffffffff?”
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Singapore English- SINGLISH
This had me in stitches. They speak exactly like that. I frequent in Singapore a lot.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Heaven Welcomes You
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the green fees?” grumbled the old man. “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the couple. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.” The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer. “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!”
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
The Dead Cow
'Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!'
'E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!'
The next day:
'Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night.'
'Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back.'
'Sorry Sipho, I did already spend that money..'
'Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow.' So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:
'You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead..'
'Yoh! And the people didn't complain?'
'Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!'
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
