Tuesday, March 31, 2009

SOUTH AFRICAN LINGO EXPLAINED TO A FOREIGNER

"Excuse me?" or "pardon?" when you have not heard something directed at you, you can say: "Hey?"

If you want to use it at the end of a sentence, you can say something like   "Ag donner, this mieliepap is very hot, Hey"

Is it?:This is a great word in conversations.  Derived from the two words "is" and "it", it can be used when you have nothing to contribute If someone tells you at the braai: "The Russians will succeed in their bid for Capitalism once they adopt a work ethic and respect for private ownership."   It is appropriate to respond by saying: "Is it?"

Jawelnofine: This is another conversation fallback word.  Derived from the four words "yes", "well", "no" (q.v.) and "fine", it means roughly "how about that."  If your bank manager tells you your account is overdrawn, you can say with confidence: "Jawelnofine."

Jislaaik:Pronounced "Yiss-like", it is an expression of astonishment.  For instance, if someone tells you there are a billion people in China, a suitable comment is: "Jislaaik, that's a hang of a lot of people Hey!."

Klap:Pronounced "klup" - an Afrikaans word meaning thump smack, whack or spank. If you spend too much time at the movies at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.   In America, that is called child abuse.   In South Africa, it is called promoting education. It's what you do to the guy who gave you the hot mieliepap.

Lekker:An Afrikaans word meaning 'nice', this word is used by all language groups to express approval.  If you see someone of the opposite sex who is good-looking, you can exclaim: "Lekkerrr!" while drawing out the last syllable.  You might, however, get a klap.

Tackies:These are sneakers or running/tennis shoes.  The word is also used to describe automobile or truck tyres.   "Fat tackies" are big tyres, as in: "Where 1691did you get those lekker fat tackies on your Volksie (VW), hey?"

Dop:This word has two basic meanings, one good and one bad.  

First the good.

A dop is a drink, a cocktail, a sundowner, a noggin.  If you are invited over for a dop, be careful.  It could be one or two sedate drinks or a blast, depending on the company you have fallen in with.  When you get invited to a braai, you will inevitably be asked to bring your own dop.

Now the bad: To dop is to fail.  If you dopped Standard Two (Grade 4) more than once, you probably won't be reading this.

Sarmie:This is a sandwich.  For generations, school-children have traded sarmies during lunch breaks.  If you are sending kids off to school in the morning, don't give them liver-polony sarmies.  They are the toughest to trade.  Definitely not lekker.

Bakkie:This word is pronounced "bucky" and it is a small truck or pick-up. Young men can take their "cherrie" (g/friend) to the drive-in flick in a bakkie, but it is not always an appropriate form of transport because the seats usually don't recline and you may be forced to watch the film. This is never the purpose of going to a Drive-In flick.

Howzit:This is a universal South African greeting, and you will hear this word throughout the land.  It is often used with the word "No" as in this exchange: "No, howzit?"   "No, fine." 4073

"Mrs Balls" Chutney: We don't know if the lady ever existed, but if she did, ( NOTE: YES   SHE DID FACT:...)

She has earned a place of honour in South African kitchen history. Chutney is, of course, of Indian origin and is pickled fruit prepared with vinegar, spices and  sugar.  South Africans are known to eat it with everything, including fried eggs. Some even put it on their mieliepap.

"Now  Now":In much of the outside world, this is a comforting phrase:
"Now, now, don't cry-I'll take you to the bioscope tomorrow."  But in South Africa, this phrase means a little sooner than soon: "Ill clean my room now now, Ma."   It is a little more urgent than "just now" which means an indefinite time in the future.

"Tune me grief:"  To be tuned grief is to be aggravated, harassed. Be selective about using the term.   For example, if your bank manager calls you in for an urgent chat about your overdraft, you should avoid saying: "Hey, listen.  You're tuning me grief, man."  That would be unwise and could result in 'major tuning of grief'.  There are variations. You can say about your boss: "This oke (guy) is tuning me uphill."

Boet:This is an Afrikaans word meaning "brother" which is shared by all language groups.   Pronounced "boot" as in "foot", it can be applied to a non-brother.  For instance a father can call his son "boet" and friends can apply the term to each other too. Sometimes the diminutive "boetie" is used.  But don't use either with someone you hardly know - it will be thought patronising and you'll probably get 'donnered', hey.

Pasop:From the Afrikaans phrase meaning "Watch Out!", this warning is  used and heeded by all language groups.  As in: "Your mother hasn't had her morning coffee yet Boet, so pasop and stay out of her way." Sometimes just the word "pasop!" is enough without further explanation.   Everyone knows it sets out a line in the sand not to be crossed.

Skop, Skiet en Donder: Literally "kick, shoot and thunder" in Afrikaans,this phrase is used by many English speakers to describe action movies or any activity which is lively and somewhat primitive. Clint Eastwood is always good for a skop, skiet en donder flick.

Vrot : Pronounced - "frot": A wonderful word which means "rotten" or "putrid" in Afrikaans, it is used by all language groups to describe anything they really don't like.   Most commonly it describes fruit or vegetables whose shelf lives have long expired, but a pair of takkies worn a few times too often with unwashed feet can be termed 'Vrot' by unfortunate folk in the same room as the wearer.

Also a rugby player who misses important tackles can be said to have played a vrot game - but not to his face because he won't appreciate it.

Pasop:
We once saw a movie review with this headline: "Slick Flick, Vrot Plot." However, it is mostly used to describe the state of the drunk boets at the braai who finished all their dop.

Graze:In a country with a strong agricultural tradition, it is not surprising that farming words crop up (pun intended) in general conversation.   Thus to graze means to eat.  If you are invited to a Bioscope show, you may be asked: "Do you want to catch a graze now now?.

Catch a tan:This is what you do when you lie on the beach pretending to study for your matric exams.  The Brits, who have their own very odd phrases, say they are getting "bronzed".  Nature has always been unkind to South African schoolchildren, providing beach and swimming pool weather just when they should be swotting for the mid-summer finals.  If you spend too much time catching a tan at exam time, you could end up catching a sharp klap from your Dad.

Rock up:To rock up some place is to just sort of arrive.  You don't make an appointment or tell anyone you are coming - you just rock up. Friends can do that but you have to be selective about it.  You can't just rock up for a job interview or at a five-star restaurant.  You give them a tinkle first - then you can rock up.  You can, however, rock up at a braai providing you've brought your own dop.

Scale:To scale something is to steal it.  A person who is "scaly" is not nice, ie a scumbag, and should be left off the Christmas party invitation list.  If he does rock up, don't give him any pap, donner him, boet, and scale all his dop, hey!.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Joost van der Westhuizen busted

This is only a joke and not to be taken seriously!

cheating wife

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Fannie Green

Model_in_green_dress

A man enters the confessional and says 'Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.' The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last  two months.' This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies. 'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.  All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar.  Her dress is green and very short, with matching very shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?' The altar boy replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'.

Friday, March 13, 2009

DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN NEWMAN, WESTERN AUSTRALIA


August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. sweating Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen
up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000
house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Old man's Erection

An old man goes to a pharmacy to buy some Viagra. He says to the pharmacist, "can you cut it up in quarters?"ATTF

 

"Sure, I can cut it up for you", says the pharmacist, "but it'll only give you a quarter erection" .

 

"Listen hear bud", says the old man, "I'm 96 and I definitely don't want an erection. All I want, is that this little critter stick's out far enough so that I don't piss on my fucking slippers, ok?!!", .

Saturday, March 7, 2009

3 Stages of a man's life

SINGLE- Ohhhhhhhh Yessssssssssssslion fuck

MARRIED- Nag, nag, naglion pissed

DIVORCED- The Endlion dead

Economic Crisis- the other side of the coin

I must say, after reading this, he does make sense. This is not humour, but interesting reading......

 

To All My Valued Employees,

There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job; however, is the changing political landscape in this country.

However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.

First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a back story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Subaru Outback outside. You’ve see23-meeting-with-your-boss-main_Fulln my big home at last year’s Christmas party. I’m sure all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealised thoughts about my life.

However, what you don’t see is the back story.

I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 2

bedroom flat for 3 years. My entire living area was converted into an

office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which

by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of baked beans, stew and soup because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a wonky transmission. I didn’t have time to go out with women. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business—hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50,000 a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting David Jones for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the discount stores extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no “off” button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden—the nice house, the Subaru, the vacations... you never realise the back story and the sacrifices I’ve made.

Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy who made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn’t. The people that overspent their pay suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has its benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough.

I have State taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes.

Payroll taxes. Workers compensation. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire an accountant to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a cheque to the Australian tax Office for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my “stimulus” cheque was? Zero. Zip. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare cheque? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your pay you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don’t understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had the government suddenly mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Canberra black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of Australia and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. But the power brokers in Canberra believe the poor of Australia are the essential drivers of the Australian economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It’s quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I fire you. I fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your 4WD and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalises the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of politicians who swept through this country and changed its financial landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....

Signed,

Your boss

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Dick Pay Rise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

  • I do physical labour
  • I work at great depths image058
  • I work head first
  • I do not get RDO’s, weekends off or public holidays
  • I work in a damp environment
  • I don’t get paid overtime or shift penalties
  • I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
  • I work in high temperatures
  • My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from the administration:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

  • You do not work 8 hours straight
  • You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
  • You do not always follow the orders of the management team
  • You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
  • You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
  • You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
  • You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
  • You don’t always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
  • You don’t wait till pension age before retiring
  • You don’t like working double shifts
  • You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work
  • And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

Sunday, March 1, 2009

MEXICAN WORDS OF THE DAY


1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.MexicanSunscreen
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read
so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That woman over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Lifesaver

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graderslifesaver
using a bowl of lifesavers
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry 
Yellow................Lemon
Green................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none
of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may
sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh
my gosh!! They're ass-holes'