One for the girls

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know......it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma .'
And they say blondes are dumb...

 

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Bob says as he stepped out of the
shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the
lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience
for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to
death.
AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

Send this to at least five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

How to play footy at work

DECODING DICTIONARY

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish............................49.
Adventurous..................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..........................No breasts.
Average looking............Moooo.
Beautiful........................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure.......On medication.
Feminist........................Fat.
Free Spirit....................Junkie.
Friendship first.............Former sl*t.
New-Age......................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned..............No B.J.'s.
Open-minded...............Desperate.
Outgoing......................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional.................b*tch.
Voluptuous......... ........Very fat.
Large frame.................Hugely fat.
-----------
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes...................................No.
No....................................Yes.
Maybe..............................No
We need..........................I want.
We need to talk...............You're in trouble.
Sure, go ahead...............You better not.
Do what you want...........You will pay for this later.
I am not upset...................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.....Is sex all you ever think about?
---------
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry.....................I am hungry.
I am sleepy......................I am sleepy.
I am tired.........................I am tired.
Nice dress.......................Nice cleavage!
I love you........................Let's have sex now.
I am bored.......................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?..........I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to a movie?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay

Dealing With Women

Men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women for thousands
of years, Finally, this guide helps you understand just how it works.
Always remember, to make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you
get points. Do something she dislikes and you lose points. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Hey, it's her game, you might as
well learn how to play.
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed............................................... .+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows......-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....................-2
You leave the toilet seat up....................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty..............+5
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.............-2
You go out to buy her extra -light panty liners with wings......+5
in the rain.............................................. .......+8
but return with beer............................................-1
and no pads.............................................. .......-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.......................+1
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing..............nada
You check out a supicious noise and it is something............+5
You pummel it with a six iron...................................+10
It's her cat............................................... .....-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party...........................nada
You stay by her side for a while, then leave
with a drinking buddy...........................................-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ........-20
Tiffany is a dancer............................................ .-50
With breast implants.......................................... ..-100
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.......................................+1
You buy a card and flowers......................................+2
You take her out to dinner......................................+5
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar............+6
Okay, it is a sports bar........................................-20
And it's all-you-can-eat night.................................-30
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face
is painted the colors of your favorite team.....................-40
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal............................................... ....nada
The pal is happily married......................................+1
The pal is single............................................ ...-10
He drives a Ferrari........................................... ..-20
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....................-30
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+5
You take her to a movie you hate................................+8
You take her to a movie you like................................-5
It's called Death Cop III.......................................-10
it features Cyborgs that eat humans.............................-15
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-20
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly..............................-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it..+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose
jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.................................-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".................-1000
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................................-10
You reply, "Where?".......................................... ...-35
You reply, "No, honey, I think
it's your butt"............................................. ...Game_Over

Sperm Count

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doctor.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

Granny's Dildo

The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you’ll remember this … and giggle.

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks
the sales clerk:  ”Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?”

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:  ”Yes we do have dildos.
Actually we carry many different models.”

The old woman then asks:
“Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong
aaandd aabbouttt twoo inchesss ththiickk … aaand rrunns on bbaatteries?”

The clerk responds, “Yes we do.”

She asks: “Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn
ttthe ssunoooffabbitch oooofffffffffff?”

Solar Power- African Style

Cell Phone hands free- African Style

GPS- African Style

Overloaded Truck / Bakkie - African Style

Safety First...African Style

Singapore English- SINGLISH

This had me in stitches. They speak exactly like that. I frequent in Singapore a lot.

Heaven Welcomes You

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.  And, though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last three decades. One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their car crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes, freshly pressed, in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.” The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the green fees?” grumbled the old man. “This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day - any starting time you wish.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne. “Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the couple. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.” The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!” The old man pushed, “No gym to work out at?” “Not unless you want to,” was the answer. “No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…” “Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your fucking fat-free bran muffins. We could have been here twenty years ago you bitch!”

Happy Valentines Day

Would You Touch Those Lips?

Yeah right, you can keep your kiss.

Kick Obama

First Black Men

How to Confuse a idiot- click and see

Real Estate- the hard times have come

You have to be strong to be in the army

 

The Dead Cow

'Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!' 
'E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!'
The next day:
'Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night.'
'Hauw.. So, ok then. Just give me my money back.'
'Sorry Sipho, I did already spend that money..'

'Eish! So, ok then. Just bring me the dead cow.' So, Bongani brought the dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:
'You won't believe, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, and I sold 251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R850! But, I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead..'
'Yoh! And the people didn't complain?'
'Eish! Only the guy which won! So, I gave him back his R5 and he was happy!'

The Real Deal

Fishing, African Style

The Perfect Beer Holder

Strong Chair!!!!

Nice angle, just at the right moment LOL

Going for a home run

The Dog and The Wife’s Best Friend

I love Tandoori

The Lord of the Rings

Technology for country Folk

4 stages in life