Of Course I Love You Bokkie
I Only Smaak jou Dik
You Cook And Clean And Iron My Shirts
And Look After Me Wen I'm Sick
So Yoor Bum Is Only Big Hey
But I Don't Mind A Bit Of Flab
It Means That When I'm Lekker Jags
There's Somethin There To Grab
So Your Belly Isn't Flat No More
I Tell You, I Don't Care
So Long As When I Druk You
I Can Get My Arms Round There
No Stukkie Who Is Your Age
Has Nice Round Perky Breasts
They Just Gave In To Gravity
But I Know You Did Yor Best
I'm Not Tuning Kak Now
I Never Tell You Lies
But I Think It's Lank Sexy
That You've Got Dimples On Your Thighs
I Swear On My Ouma's Grave Now
The Moment That We Met
I Said To All My Chinas
"Now That's A Lekker Slet"
So No Matter Wot You Look Like
I'll Always Love You Dear
Now Shut Up While The Rugby's On
And Fetch Me Another Beer!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
South African Love Poem
Why drink Boose!!!!
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading"
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
English is Strange
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat
is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Let's face it,
English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which
your house can burn up as it burns down;
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Friday, January 30, 2009
AUSTRALIAN MANUFACTURED CABINET FOR SALE
Cabinet for Sale - details below 
DISPLAY CABINET, one of the most elegant and functional display cabinets currently on the market.
Features
- Fine timber details
- 4 leadlight options
- 4 side access doors (there is maximum frontal display)
- Adjustable shelves are extra deep to accommodate large items
- Halogen down lights
- Mirror back with glass shelves provide max illumination of collectables from top to bottom.
To give indication of size of the Cabinet it previously held the following:
- Rugby League World Cup
- Rugby Union World Cup
- International Rules Trophy
- Tri Nations Trophy
- Super-12 Trophy
- Trans-Tasman Touch Football Trophy
- Davis Cup
- Hockey World Championship Trophy
and the
- Bledisloe Cup.
- 2008-2009 SA / Aust Test
To make an offer call R Stuart, R Ponting, S Mortlock or P. Fitzsimons who once commented "...the Australian Cabinet is groaning under the weight of all the trophies!"
They can be contacted on: 1800-LOST-THE-LOT
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Are we having Sex tonight?
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.
I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Little Known facts about SEX
Little Known 'Did you know?'
Sex Facts.
Did you know?...
"Ithyphallophobia" is a morbid fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
Did you know?...
According to a survey of sex shop owners, cherry is the most popular flavour of edible underwear. Chocolate is the least popular.
Did you know?...
In the Aztec culture, avocados were considered so sexually powerful, Virgins were restricted from contact with them.
Did you know?...
Marilyn Monroe, the most celebrated sex icon of the 20th century, confessed to a friend that despite her three husbands and a parade of lovers, she had never had an orgasm.
Did you know?...
The average shelf-life of a latex condom is about two years.
Did you know?...
14% of Americans have skinny-dipped with a member of the opposite sex at least once.
Did you know?...
According to a U.S. Market research firm, the most popular American bra size is currently 36C, up from 1991 when it was 34B.
Did you know?...
"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.
Did you know?...
Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality of any mammal.
Did you know?...
Studies show that women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.
Did you know?...
A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
Did you know?...
In earlier times, masturbation was believed to lead to blindness, Madness, Sudden death and Other unpleasant diseases. Present research, however, shows no connection. Thank fuck for that!
Did you know?...
The female bedbug has no sexual opening. To get around this dilemma, the male uses his curved penis to drill a vagina into the female.
Did you know?...
A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime. That's all?
Did you know?...
The Geisha of Japan would not perform fellatio because it was considered demeaning for the cultured to do so.
Did you know?...
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime- time television were: Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Did you know?...
Sex is biochemically no different from eating large quantities of chocolate.
Did you know?...
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
Did you know?...
For every 'normal' web-page, there are five porn pages!!!!
Did you know?...
The word "Fuck" is actually an acronym. It dates back to the Good Old Days, when England was severely under populated due to the usual combination of fire/war/plague, and the King issued an official order to...Well, Fuck, to replenish the population. 
Did you know?...
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. A pig's penis is shaped like a corkscrew and it is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky during sex.
Did you know?...
Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds. Females, on the other hand think about sex every....hmmmm... yes right.
Did you know?...
The earliest known illustration of a man using a condom during sexual intercourse is painted on the wall of a cave in France. It is dated between 12,000 and 15,000 years old.
Did you know?...
A medical study conducted in Pennsylvania showed that people who have sex once or twice a week have their immune systems boosted slightly.
Did you know?...
A U.S. News & World Report poll found 50-percent agree that it is better to remain a virgin until you marry, and 39-percent felt it's better to have sex with a few different partners before settling down to marry.
Did you know?...
During the 1920s, it was believed that jazz music caused one to permanently lose his sexual inhibitions. It was often banned in many cities. One private company went as far as to sell the elites "jazz proof" furniture.
Did you know?...
All humans are 99.9% Genetically Identical and 98.4% of human genes are the same as the genes of a chimpanzee. Somehow, I sensed that.
Did you know?...
"Venus observa" is the technical term for the "missionary position."
Did you know?...
Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.
Did you know?...
Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
Did you know?...
Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up (if you use a condom). It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, And You don't need special sneakers to wear outdoors!
Did you know?...
Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being. Did you know?...
The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
Did you know?...
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM!
Did you know?...
Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up. Hey, and it burns up 26 calories!!
Did you know?...
Sexual actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
Did you know?...
A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. And, sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Errrr that it, I think
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Bloody Immigrants
A Zimbabwean arrives in Johannesburg as a new immigrant to South Africa.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Sir for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food, free medical care, and free education!" The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Nigerian." The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in South Africa!" The person says, "I not South African, I am from Mozambique."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful country!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not South Africa!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a South African?" She says , "No, I am from Kenia!" puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the South Africans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Whackhead owns Malema
Malema in prank 'Obama' call
Johannesburg - Local radio deejays have been playing clips of a prank phone call on the often-ridiculed ANCYL President Julius Malema, in which new US president Barack Obama supposedly calls him.
The call was made by 94.7 Highveld Stereo DJ Darren "Wackhead" Simpson who used clips of speeches made by Obama, and aired the conversation on his breakfast show on Wednesday.
Malema later denied receiving any such call, prank or otherwise, in an interview with The Times on Thursday.
But a journalist at an ANCYL press conference on Thursday recorded Thabo Kupa, the ANCYL Provincial Secretary for Gauteng, confirming the call and calling it a "serious conversation".
In it Malema was reticent and aloof. "I hear you have a question for me? We wanted to call up and answer it personally," asked the Obama clip.
"No. I don't have any question. I just got a call here and they said that you are calling to me, mos," replied Malema.
"You've lost your way, brother," said "Obama" at another point to which Malema only answered "Mmm."
You can listen/download here:
http://www.pod947.co.za/podcast/whackhead/Whackheadswindow20090123.mp3
Friday, January 23, 2009
Nollywood, African cinema
Nollywood is the third largest film industry in the world. It releases between 500 and 1 000 movies each year. Its movies depict lives of people in Africa, namely Nigeria. The great African tradition of story-telling is now being transmitted through the mass media. People that star in those movies are local actors. Plots are based on familiar situations that deal with love, comedy, bribery, prostitution or sorcery.
Here’s a presentation of Nollywood in pictures by Pietr Hugo.
My thoughts
eeerrrrr this is not for the faint hearted. I just shook my head at this one.
Here’s the link:
http://dilidoo.com/2009/01/23/nollywood_african_cinema_38_pics.html
Incredibly slimming down (27 pics)
Click on link below. Well done to him!!!!!
http://dilidoo.com/2009/01/22/incredibly_slimming_down_27_pics.html
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Spot the new President
Eye test: I know it's a small picture, but see if you can do it anyway: Spot the 44th US president in the chart below?.....
